I do not think this is something I could do tomorrow, or next week. It is definitely not something I can do before I make my own dreams come true.

I have to be selfish for a little while first.

I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to understand different cultures, different ways of living, different histories, and different ways people have survived. Before I could ever ask a child I have never met to come live with me, I want to be prepared to help them feel safe, seen, and free to love themselves exactly as they are.

Because how do you teach a person to love themselves if you are not willing to learn where they come from?

I do not believe a foster parent needs to know everything. I do believe they need to be humble enough to learn. A child deserves more than shelter. They deserve someone who will honor their history, their family, their culture, their grief, their anger, their confusion, and their hope.

I feel like I am meant to live a life of service. I come from generations where power was abused, where people harmed each other through government, religion, race, gender, silence, and control. I want to be part of the generation that breaks that cycle.

I want to learn about the people history tried to erase. I want to learn about the religions that were forgotten or demonized. I want to understand the ways people lived before technology made us forget how connected we are to the land, to each other, and to ourselves.

I want to teach children that we can slow down.

We can listen.

We can love each other better.

We can love ourselves better.

None of us are born with hate in our hearts. We are born with a seed of hope. If that seed is protected, watered, and given light, it can grow into something strong. One child becomes one tree. One family becomes a grove. One community becomes a forest.

And the forest we could create together would be beautiful.

I do not know exactly how my dreams are going to come true. I do not know where everything will fall into place. I do not know how the path will unravel while I am walking it, blindly trusting the universe one step at a time.

But I know I am meant to be a mother.

I know I am meant to create a sangha.

I know that one day, with the right partner beside me, I want to help raise children who may never be biologically ours, but who will still be loved, protected, respected, and treated as whole human beings.

First, we have to figure out how to make right now work.

The travel.
The healing.
The learning.
The stability.
The home.
The future.

Because if we do not take the time to learn, we are doomed to pass on the lessons we were trying to break.

I really hope I am on the right path.

Today, I am afraid of everything.

I am afraid of being stagnant. I am afraid of making the wrong move. I am afraid someone will try to hurt me or take away something I have worked hard for. I do not have a safety net. I cannot see the future, and I would not try to if I could.

So today, I am going to practice being quiet in my outside voice so I can listen to my inside voice.

That is one of the hardest things to do when you are hurting.

And I am hurting a lot today.

So today is not a day for rushing.

Today is a day of planning.