I don’t understand how hurting someone you created is supposed to make you feel better about yourself. A lot of people I know in my generation have chosen not to have children at all, or to wait until they’re older in hopes that they won’t mess up their children the same way their parents messed them up. 

Our generation is doing its best to break the cycles. The hatred we have passed down for so long needs to stop. Animals don’t live life with hate and fear in the forefront of their lives. They live in the moment and have hope and love for each other when they can coexist. 

Different species try to respect each other and the natural cycle of life.

I feel like I spend a lot of time in my head, thinking about how I can serve the gods and goddesses. I don’t think I’m doing a good job most of the time. I keep screwing up everything I want to accomplish. 

I wish I could be the voice of change but I also don’t want to be afraid. My own children are hurting because I was in a lot of pain for a long time. I knew their father was sexist, racist, and a bigot. I stayed with him because I had hope that my love would be enough to help him change for them.

My mother explained it to me this way; as it happened in our family. Since my mother’s mother and mother’s father knew what it meant to have sex with other people before they got married. 

When my grandfather was first dating his wife, he had been overseas. He had seen the world. He told her to go have sex with someone else first. So she did… one person, one time. She was really sad and came running back to him. 

My parents couldn’t understand why her parents didn’t want them waiting so long, and why they were so angry towards my parents about it. My grandparents said that my parents would settle in life if they settled on a partner who didn’t make them feel like a god or goddess.

It turned out because my parents didn’t want to have sex before marriage. They chose to wait, they settled in some way. My parents loved each other, there is no doubt. They spent their whole lives together and still felt they were missing out on life in some way or another.

It isn’t about the great sex. Sex is something you can do with and without emotion. Ask any woman in New York City. Ask any pimp or madam. It’s very easy to understand why sex sells. Anyone with a vagina or penis understands the natural hormonal process.

When you find someone who can make you feel like you’re center stage and part of the spotlight because you belong together in some way. Even though everything in your body says it’s not true, that’s the person you should probably spend your life with. 

Happiness is scary after a lifetime of suffering. Healing hurts when you’re letting go of the things causing pain. 

I would rather be considered insane by onlookers while I feel happy, healthy, energetic, grateful, and motivated to create peace; then to be the version of myself that I left behind. 

Many people think they know me because they saw me before. They saw me hurting, they saw me surviving. Now that I am living life, they are busy watching me in awe. I did something so many of us can only dream about. 

I loved deeply with my entirety. Even now, I share my passion far too quickly and I run out of energy because I don’t know how to pace myself yet. 

I know I found a life where I thank the gods and goddesses daily for everything I have. I can only imagine life improving. When all you feel is light and love, the hardships still suck, but they’re not as dark as they once were. 

My life is filled with summertime sunshine. I hope it’s a feeling that stays throughout the seasons for the rest of my life. 

I am tired of fighting depression.