I have always lived a life that I thought my obituary would reflect on me as being a good person. I try to live genuinely through love and hope. I try to share it with others. I try to lead people into the best versions of themselves.

I am learning now, that even though I have nothing left to lose, others don’t have the same feelings about their lives.

I have given up everything important to me, to find my true self. The people I love never accepted me for who I am. The people I thought do accept me, are so worried about me wanting to hurt them that they never trust my intentions.

If I were to die today, it would show that I started a failing website. I inspired people the best I can. I gave up on everything and everyone I have ever had. I died alone. I leave behind four children who never knew me. I left the world trying to make changes while fearing every possible opportunity.

I hurt people, sometimes physically, because I was hurting. I lashed out because of the fears I carry.

Everything good in my life, came at a cost no one ever saw me pay.

I was born alone, I will die alone.
Everything in between was an adventure I never deserved to have.

My mother tried to abort me. My parents never should have had me. I was raised in neglect. I was raised with abuse. I was beaten, raped, molested, taken advantage of. And I still try to help others. I had to get myself out of the life I was too big for. Just to enter a place where I thought I could finally be myself and realizing no one will ever believe someone who has only love in their heart.

Every person I have ever met wanted to take advantage of me. The one person I thought I had in my corner, showed me I was wrong for even thinking a good life was possible.

I let people into my life who have hacked my electronics. People who brought only violence and hatred into my life. People who encouraged me to go have sex with random people and make adult content because I was on a search to find out who I really am at heart.

The one person who showed me it is okay not to minimize myself to an object, is also the person who shattered me the hardest. I am used to people taking pieces of me. I am not used to being crushed into dust and thrown into a river during a storm.

I am ashes. I am never going to be the person I once was. I am never going to lash out at the people who hurt me. I will fight systems. I will protect the people around me. I will live in a bug infested apartment, if that means the people around me do not have to deal with the same problems. I was kicked out of an amazing community because the buildings are infested, and I complained to the correct channels. The management decided to take that out on my dear friend who made me feel like I could do anything and they ruined every possibility I thought I had.

I am going to keep working on this site. I am going to keep hoping I can live on stickers and dreams. I am going to accept that I will always be alone in this life because no one will ever stand by my side when things get tough. No one has ever truly had my back. I am always going to be the person who throws themselves in front of the bus, and I will always be the person you can throw under the wheels.

One day, I will die for real. I hope that my obituary says I made positive changes in the lives I have touched. I hope I can go into history books as being someone who truly changed the world in positive ways.

I am the opposite of the man in the big chair leading our country into war and despair. I have never raped, beaten, killed, paid people off, or ruined lives to become someone at the top of our country. I never will act in a way that will intentionally hurt another person.

If you ever choose to share your stories with me. I am going to download the originals, delete what is online, and wait at least a month before I read them, reflect on them, and share them from my persepective.

Everyone deserves to have someone listen to them. Everyone should have a safe space to share their truth.

This country is hurting everyone. People in this country hurt people, because they are hurting.

I can share my love openly with every person I have met through personal experiences, or my writing. I truly have only love in my heart.

Even Donald Trump, our current president, deserves love. He needs to see how his actions are hurting other people. He needs to stop being selfish and watching out for the top 0.01% when he says he wants to make our country great again.

Every single country deserves only love. Every single person deserves to have human rights and dignity. Every person deserves to feel loved, no matter how much pain and hurt they cause in the world.

I hope everyone can learn to love the best parts of themselves. We all carry something special inside ourselves. It’s when we all choose the lightness over the dark that will make the world truly change.

When people are out there worried about themselves first, and not the person next to them, they take the light out of the world. I can love and support someone and still feel completely alone and broken. When I shut down, I am called horrible things.

I carry the burden of everyone else on my shoulders and eventually I fall apart.

I have met some amazing people who fought hard to leave their countries to come to the United States. Those same people say this is a land of opportunity. They are comparing it to where they were born. Our country is going to hell. The opportunities we once held, are no longer possible. The people who need help are suffering, while the people who can help, are only out for themselves.

I have never been that person. I have only ever wanted the people who could help, help me help others.

Now, I am sitting on my couch alone. After telling my son to eat strawberries up to the edge of the red, and having to force him to his room because it was a fight. I usually don’t get upset over strawberries, or how many blueberries he eats. With the way our government made my food stamps end because of “a computer glitch” I am now barely able to buy groceries. My son is suffering because I am hurting.

I hate myself right now. I cannot grow a garden because the land around me is toxic. I cannot find a new home, because the management of the property I am at, is going to make it near impossible.

I have a three bedroom hud voucher I need to use and I have a very short amount of time before it expires. I have no idea where I can go when I have no money left for a down payment. I have no money for a security deposit. I have no job, and now way of getting one because of my health issues.

With all of that, I am willing to go backwards. To a place where no one knows me as the person I want to be and who I try to be every single day. The people in the place I am contemplating on returning, only know me as meek. I refuse to return to that version of myself, and if I do, a part of me will die every single day.

Today, I am crushed by the friendship I thought I had. I am crushed by the government. I am crushed by the property management. I am crushed by everything that I once thought was possible being impossible once again.

I don’t know if I will ever be the person I want to be. I don’t know if I will be able to help change the world by sharing hope and love.

I don’t know if I can persevere after this.

Maybe my obituary will say I am like some of the greatest influences in our history. Along side of JFK, MLK, Jane Goodall… All of the greatest positive influences I haven’t mentioned.

My reality says I will die alone, living a life of mediocrity, and barely surviving. I cut pieces of myself off since I was 5 years old and my grandfather died. Everything that should have been embraced to make a child feel safe and magical were punished.

As a result, you have me.

I fight for everything I can. I fight for people who cannot stand up for themselves. I put myself in front of danger when I cannot stop it.

My reward? Lonesomeness in every possible aspect of the way.

I really hope I get to live a long life, making positive changes in the world as I move throughout.

I doubt I will ever be that person.

Everyone expects me to hurt people.

I will never intentionally do that.