Sometimes all you accomplish is getting out of bed and using the bathroom.

You barely have the energy to breathe because life hurts so badly, and every single thing feels like it is weighing on you.

Those are the hardest days.

Those are the days I had to fight to stay alive. The days I cried the hardest. The days I remembered the worst moments of my life, while also trying to remember what I still had worth fighting for.

On the days when I feel every single thing pressing down on me like stones on my chest, crushing me slowly, cracking my ribs, it takes everything inside of me just to pull one tiny bit of oxygen into my lungs and keep going.

My heart barely beats.

My body breaks down.

I have lived far longer than most people could ever imagine.

So what changed?

I kept finding a silver lining in everything I did. I kept trying to make the best of the cards I was dealt. I kept telling myself, “This is what the universe wants.”

I worked hard. I took care of everyone else first. I cleaned the best I could with little to no help. I was always burnt out, emotionally and physically. My stress levels had been high since before I could remember.

I lost the house I grew up in. I almost lost my children. I lost my dream job. I lost my best friend, who was also my brother. I lost my husband. And finally, I lost my mother.

That was when I decided to walk away from my family and the community I never really had. They were my husband’s friends and family. I wrote my first book. I put on my coat of armor, and I entered a world where I could finally experience life through my artistic brain.

And damn, did I fall.

My wings were weak and out of practice.

I had been writing in secret for three decades, ever since my brother found my diary and shared it openly with everyone. That moment began a big portion of my lost years.

But now, I get to spend most of my time creating art in some form. Dancing. Loving life. Being responsible. Enjoying mom life the way it is truly meant to be enjoyed.

If I could do it all again, I wish I could have given all of my children the best version of myself. I wish they could see the version of me I am becoming now.

The healed version.

The one who lives on dreams.

The one who looks forward to dancing, singing, creating art, and going to the gym because it feels good.

The one who eats healthy because junk food really does make my body feel sluggish and heavy.

My old life felt like it was crushing and killing me because, in so many ways, I was killing myself with my daily choices. Every single decision added up. Every habit compounded into a lifestyle that was poisonous and deadly.

Now, I look forward to seeing how all of my health issues change over the next few years.

I look forward to seeing what happens when I finally choose to live.