Life is full of people who are constantly getting in their own way of happiness. Whether it’s seeing someone other than the person they’re looking at, or it’s tripping over an untied shoelace.

I don’t know what makes people do the things they do or why we can’t see past ourselves when life gets difficult.

I wish I could explain the pain of losing your entire family to death and exile all at once. It didn’t happen overnight.

It was a sequence of events that led to the inevitable.

I dated a man and stayed with him because my kids fell in love and I loved the family I received in return. I thought they were truly my family. I thought blood didn’t matter, until one day it did.

After moving to Portland, I began focusing on my physical and mental health unlike any previous time. I met my best friend who helped me identify my bad choices and he helped me to overcome my self sabotaging tendencies.

I can’t say I’m surprised at how much we have in common or how many times I have been lied to. I’ve been blamed for a past I never took an active role in.

I knew this man in moments of time that seem like a dream. How could we have known each other in our childhoods? How could we have gone to the same line dancing place? How could we have run into each other at concerts and festivals I don’t quite remember?

It all happened. He went to school at a place about ten minutes from where I worked just six months previously. He worked ten minutes away from the apartment I took when I needed to escape being someone’s property.

I messed up in a lot of ways. I didn’t trust the good because in my trauma history, every time something good happened, I was hurt worse than anyone should ever be told.

My mother kept me from my father. Intentionally or not, it doesn’t matter. I missed out on feeling the love a father has for his daughter until I was 37 years old.

By then, all of my trust issues were so deeply ingrained that nothing anyone could do would make me feel safe.

I can’t undo the traumatic things I’ve been through. I cannot stop the memories for my friend.

I try to live in the now with what I have available to me. It’s not easy. It’s a chore. Every day wondering when the monster is going to come back.

I am afraid of the monster inside of myself and the one I see inside of others.

I know the system has its reasons for the things they do. I know I cannot undo the mistakes I’ve made while I was manic.

I also know that the only person who has ever had my back is a financial burden and I won’t say it because I made the decision to include him in my life.

I decided to help a man who was helping me overcome my trauma.

I never expected this same person would like the same things I like, would make similar mistakes to mine, and would have regrets from a past life that causes pain in their present life.

How do you trust someone new when the longest relationship you had ended in the other person leaving you for another person? How do you trust yourself to let your guard down when every time you’re vulnerable, something happens to make you even more scared than you felt before?

I don’t have any of the answers. I don’t know if I’ll get my friend back anytime soon. I only know that I want him to live with me, without having any fear of losing his freedom.

I can’t clean an apartment when I can’t get past the anxiety of being alone. I can’t buy supplies when I don’t have money. I can’t get a job when every place within a reasonable walking distance says I’m too qualified for the position.

I have so many skills and abilities that I don’t know where I belong anymore. I’m a writer, an artist, a creator of love and life.

My efforts go unnoticed and unseen by the world around me. This one person, the one I keep hurting, sees me in the dark. Maybe I am the screw up. Maybe I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe I should really give up on the life I want to pursue and return to the one where everyone around me gave me advice that was in their best interest.

I trusted my mother in law like a friend. I never shared the addiction her son was suffering with. I never told her about the cancelled plans or how we never had any common interests. I thought having children together was the only option.

I thought my only value was creating children. I was wrong to create a life with a person unable to dream. I was wrong for thinking I could work hard enough for the people around me to create a life where I could please everyone around me while losing pieces of myself along the way.

I didn’t know you could find a person who shares everything in common with you. I didn’t know you can love yourself without fixing all of the flaws you see in the mirror.

I have been trying to lose weight since I gained it all 23 years ago. I have lost 2/3 of it. I have a long way to go before I hit that weight goal. The thing is, I no longer care what the scale says. I no longer look at the number the same way.

I probably should have been alone for the rest of my life. If things keep going the way they are, I probably will be. I’ve ruined everything for the person I consider my best friend. I don’t know what happened in their past life. I only know how hard they fought to make it past addiction and the pain they experience on a daily basis as their body becomes acclimated to a life without the chemicals that once ruled everything in their life.

The worst thing about this friend is they were raised by parents very similar to mine. They were loved too much and too hard. They were punished by using the judicial system and the connections to police that is unfair to anyone who matters.

I was raised by parents who never saw me as a person. A pair of parents who didn’t know how to express their love until after their first child passed away from the complications they suffered from their life.

I don’t blame anyone for the pain i endured. I don’t blame the trauma on any one person. We all have a past that we want to leave behind. We all have someone who broke our hearts. We all have someone who betrayed us no matter how dedicated we were to them.

The only thing I know for certain is that my best friend doesn’t deserve the legal issues they are currently facing. They don’t deserve to be treated like an addict when they’ve been sober for longer than my children have been alive.

If I could choose one thing to change in my life, it would be to have him approved as a household member before everything bad happened.

I didn’t realize that my trauma of jumping into a relationship with someone nearly twenty years ago was steering my choices in this life. I didn’t realize how broken I was until I spent over a week inpatient and put myself together again.

I don’t know if I’ll lose the only real person in my life that I didn’t give birth to. I don’t know if I will survive the deep depression and anxiety of being completely alone. I only know that being in an apartment surrounded by the memories of every bad experience I had in the past 40 years is too much.

The cabinets are the same as the ones I was thrown into with anger. The appliances are broken because the housing authority doesn’t have the money to replace things older than me.

I have asked for repairs. I have asked for accommodations. I have asked to speak to the manager about everything I’ve done wrong and I have done everything I can to resolve those mistakes.

I think I should just pack a bag and leave the state without any plans for returning. I think I should give up on the life i thought I deserve because I will never have the opportunity to live happily.

I don’t know what I did wrong or right in my life. I don’t know why I chose a life with a man who made me hide parts of myself. I also don’t know why I think I deserve a man who treats me better than any other person I have ever met, except my oldest son.

I wish I knew how love felt before my mother passed away. I wish I had more snuggles on the couch with my father. I wish I had been accepted as the artist I am at heart, long before my fortieth birthday.

I don’t think I deserve happiness after leaving the lives I created. I don’t know if it’s possible to have a good life at this point in time.

I’m completely alone in so many ways that I should really just give up trying to be better.

I know I made a lot of mistakes. I know I have always had good intentions. I know I never hurt anyone with malicious intent. I also know that I caused a lot of harm to the only person who has ever loved me like I imagined it would feel.

I never thought Disney movies were possible in real life. I never thought I would feel the deep loving hug of a man wrapping himself around my body and kissing my neck from behind. I never thought I could build a life based on my artistic talent.

I don’t know if my life will ever be better than subsidized housing and misery. I don’t know if I will ever travel. I don’t know if I will ever inspire another person to walk away from their pain as I had to.

Right now, as I’m writing this, I am completely alone. I have no one to talk to. I have no one to trust. I have no place to call my home.

I’m sure, I could call my father and ask him to move into his mouse infested apartment. I could throw out things that make him miserable. I don’t have the energy for that task and he’s not ready to let go of the life he grew up surrounded by.

I wish I could fix all of the world’s problems. I wish I could fix my own. I wish I didn’t fear being alone so much that I put myself or another person at risk.

I wasn’t always afraid like I am today. I wasn’t always alone. I had a mother to talk to. I had a mother in law who I felt was a friend. And now? I have no one in my life who really cares or understands the pain I endure on a regular basis.

I don’t want to walk away from the relationship with the friend I have. I don’t want anything else bad to happen. I’m probably never going to feel happy again because I don’t deserve happiness anymore.

I wanted a new lease and I don’t think that it will ever happen. I wanted to give my best friend a place in my house and I didn’t go about it in the right direction.

I was saved many times by the man and i can’t explain how. When my brain went on autopilot, he stopped me. He thinks it was all a ploy. Like I wanted to find out if he would save me.

I never thought I was depressed or suicidal. I never heard the voices of my depression. I never felt the way my body reacted to someone else’s words as I do today.

I need to start listening to myself more. I need to learn how to pause before I react. I need to learn how to put another person’s wellbeing above my fears.

I know I have plenty of reasons to keep going in my life. I know I have a lot to learn from this world. I know I have a lot to share.

Maybe I deserve to have a best friend who shares everything in common with me. Maybe i deserve a partner who believes in me when I doubt myself. Maybe I should listen to my children and how much they inspire me to be successful.

I don’t know if my life will ever be good. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop being afraid. I don’t know if I’ll always need to walk away when voices get louder than my own.

I want to feel safe. I want to feel secure. I want to be comfortable in the present moment.

Why do I fear good things happening when I’ve already been through so much pain and suffering? Why do I feel like karma has a target on my back?

Maybe I should be alone and give up on this life. Maybe I should jump on a bus and see how far I can go. Maybe I should just stay and see how the pages in my current situation unfold.

I don’t know if I will ever feel safe, happy, and secure at the same time. I don’t know if I’m fighting a losing battle. I don’t know if the consequences of my actions will be the end of my life.

I hope my end comes in sixty years. I hope I get to travel and see the world around us in a lifetime of love and magic.

I didn’t think magic was real before my best friend taught me to accept myself as I am.

I didn’t think I deserved to feel the same love I send into the world.

I always thought I would be hurt by anyone in my life who didn’t share my blood.

I wish getting over trauma was easier.

I wish learning to feel was never taken from me.

I wish I didn’t trigger people in pain the way I do.

Life is supposed to be good. Life has its challenges and the people in it are all suffering from the past they carry with them.

I am a product of the life I’ve lived, the things I’ve learned, and everything I have been through.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to make up for the things I’ve cost my friend and family. I don’t know if my writing or art inspire others. I don’t know if I’ll ever be financially independent like I’ve always dreamed of becoming.

I finally found a career path that makes me feel good and I don’t get paid for it. I work every minute of every day and I don’t think anyone understands how hard it is to focus on the things you can control when you’re struggling with the things you cannot.

I know I miss my best friend and the only person who has ever called me perfect knowing I have flaws I am actively working to improve. The only genuine flaw I see in myself right now is my weight. I don’t eat enough or regularly enough to let my body work correctly.

I’m not sure if I will ever deserve the man I see as perfectly human. He’s resilient, strong, intelligent, creative, caring, loving, and magical in every aspect of life. He showed me how to feel loved in the skin I hate carrying around. He accepts me with my flaws and makes me feel safe when we’re wrapped in each other’s arms.

The world around us is on fire. The life i crave is probably not going to happen. I may never have the dream home and dream life. I may never be more than the deadbeat my ex family saw me as.

I saw laws being broken in that life. I was almost the patsy for some seriously awful things done by people I worked for and trusted.

I never thought I would have to run away completely so I could find a life i wanted to be in. I never thought I deserved a partner who wraps themselves around me.

I’m freezing because I chose to walk away from the pain my best friend was going through. I walked away from a conversation that had only one side. I walked away from the situation because I didn’t trust the anger building inside of him.

I wish I could be the partner he deserves. I wish I could fix my housing situation. I wish I could have been exactly the right person at the right time and I didn’t let my fears get the best of me.

Maybe one day I’ll sell my books. Maybe one day my art will inspire others. Maybe one day I’ll have a best friend who trusts me enough to stop scaring me when they’re in pain.

I know walking away today was the best decision I could make this morning. I know I regret feeling that way. I also know that I cannot move forward in my life without the support of the friend I let down.

I will never ask him to pay for groceries or pet supplies. I will never ask him for help with my laundry. I will never be able to ask him to be anything other than what he chooses to be.

We got into this mess because I told him about what I was going through and I needed someone to help me get back to myself. I offered to help him learn how to ask for help from the same system that has him mislabeled as an addict when he’s been sober longer than he was in active addiction.

I can’t live alone anymore. I’m afraid of the voices inside my head taking over in a moment of weakness. I probably won’t be okay until the end of whatever I am going through is done.

I want a rental property with windows in the bathroom. I want to live in a place where I feel safe enough to be creative and write openly without having to freeze my body in the process.

I want happiness. Why does it feel like it’s impossible?